I am currently getting around on crutches. This is not a completely unusual state of events in my life. Walking into work on crutches always triggers a flurry of stares and questions. I have been injured many many times, some with funny stories and some with tragic ones, and some stories so hard I just look at people with a death stare and tell them I had an accident. I normally have a certain amount of tolerance for this, and joke and kid with the best of them.
This time, though, is different. Besides the grump factor of being in pain, I have no clue what is wrong. I stepped out of the car on Friday and it suddenly hurt and wouldn't take my weight. I did not step wrong or twist. I do not remember injuring it at all.
After watching it swell and having a harder and harder time getting around, I went to urgent care. Then on Monday to my dr. Now I am waiting for an appointment at the podiatrist. All this for a swollen ankle that has frozen and will not flex upward. I am worried this is related to the steroids and an old tendon injuring from when I totaled my car.
Meanwhile, life goes on. I love my job, even though it is exhausting and overwhelming. The kids are slowly adjusting to day camp. Things are hitting a rhythm, although I am still adjusting to all our benefits being reduced because I am working. For the summer, at least, the cost of working is slightly higher than my income. Always an interesting situation.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Sometimes you just need a good story
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
The Infamous News Clip
I am so proud of my boys, but I find the language a bit embarrassing. Giddy? Bah! I don't have good computer access at the moment, so expect things to be erratic for a bit.
Disclaimer- this video is being posted for entirely personal purposes, not commercial. And since it cost me $50 to get it, I better not get in trouble for it.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Not sure what to title this...
**Language warning**
Is it possible to be in a good mood and a bad mood at the same time? I am about to settle down and get my shit done so I can actually graduate. Meanwhile, I am horribly depressed about things. I am also quite happy. I feel rather mixed-state bipolar at the moment.
Konal is having a rough time. I can feel the future blowing in the breeze, and it isn't pretty. I wonder if I am strong enough. Am I fucking up my kids? Am I a good enough parent to weather this storm? The echoes of self-doubt have trickled back up to me from a not so distant past. I hear those echoes every time he cycles.
I can deal with the aggression. I can deal with the paranoia and delusions. Those are easy. They are a known factor. But now we have crushing self-criticism and the proclamation that "They shouldn't let kids like me live. We are too dangerous." He has a self-awareness that is eating away at both me and him. He hasn't tried anything, but my heart splits into tiny little pieces when he states that he doesn't deserve to live.
I am in the middle of a major life transition, which is always hard. I think this is part of the process of coming into myself as well. I am excited about my new job. I am always excited when I get to spend time with Chris. I am fairly happy at the same time I am crumbling away. It is a strange juxtaposition, and it is hard to explain.
Poor Chris. I don't communicate well about my feelings, so half the time he doesn't know what I am dealing with until he reads my blog. That is no way to run a relationship. I have a fear of discussing my feelings. I think if I express them verbally, they will burst through me and take control. I will melt away and their will be nothing left of me but emotions. I wonder if this is what Konal feels, taken to a stronger degree...
On one hand, I am going to be featured in an ASU ad, and here is the copy they wrote to describe me:
Experiencing a wide range of challenges that include divorce, homelessness and living in poverty, Krista is not one to lay down quietly and let things happen to her. She has worked towards a degree over the past 14 years, receiving a Parents Association scholarship her senior year. As a single mom raising two boys, one with significant special-needs, Krista has learned about and worked with many state and federal medical and behavioral health systems. She is translating this skill to her professional life, graduating with a social work degree that she plans to apply to an advocacy career, affecting change on a systemic level that will help pave the road for families, like hers, experiencing multiple challenges.On the other hand, I am wondering why in the hell am I so special??? What did I do to deserve the friends, family and supporters I have. There are times I feel like I am a fraud and no one sees the real me... Of course, this is probably just the stress talking. Still. Sigh.
The song I am listening to right now is kind of similar to how I feel:
Violent Femmes - Never Tell
Some people stand like trees, without a word
and what that means is that some people don't talk.
Oh please pardon me mister.
Ya know I just didn't hear you the first time that you said that,
but now that you repeat for me, I'll be sure to do what I can.
Ya know I'm going to do what I can,
do what I can, do, do, do, do what I can.
Gonna do what I can,
do what I can, do, do, do, do what I can,
but no more, you understand?
Oh please pardon me father.
Ya know I just didn't hear you that, that, that
that first time that you said th...
help me, help me, help me, help me...
Repeat it, repeat it, repeat it.
I'll be sure do, do, do what I can.
Do what I can, do what I can, do, do, do, do what I can.
Gotta do what I can, do what I can, do, do, do, do what I can,
but no more, you understand?
It's of utmost importance, we're dealing with volatile substance. (4 times)
I had so much on my mind.
I was so glad when I died, oh...
Listen to me baby.
Can you keep a secret for me?
Make sure no one finds out,
cause then the lights will go out,
and I will find you out,
and I will cut you up.
Uh hmm, don't ask me why,
because, I said, I said, I said
I'm gonna do what I can, do what I can, do, do, do, do what I can.
Gotta do what I can, do what I can, do, do, do, do what I can. (3 times)
but I'll have none of that, you understand?
Don't you know nothin'? You never tell on someone. (3 times)
Don't you know nothin'? You ain't never going to tell on someone.
What you going to do?
Gonna turn, gonna turn rat fink?
What you wanna do?
Do want to see, do you wanna see what it's like to sink?
Sink down, sink down, sink down, down, down to the bottom of the river.
Sink down, sink, sink down down.
Down, down, to the bottom of the river, sink, down sink.
Sink down, down. Down, down to bottom of the river.
Sink down, sink, sink down down.
Down, down to the bottom of the river.
Don't you know no one? You never tell on someone. (3 times)
Don't you know no one? You ain't never gonna tell on someone. (3 times)
Ah, ah, oh, I tell you what it's like, I tell you what it's like, oh.
I stood right up in the heart of Hell, I never tell. (3 times)
I stood right up in the heart of Hell,
I'm never gonna tell, tell, tell, tell.
I'm never, never, never, never gonna tell, tell, tell, tell.
Nothing, nothing, never gonna tell, tell, tell, tell.
I'm never, never, never, never gonna tell, tell, tell, tell.
Nothing, nothing, never gonna tell, tell, tell, tell.
Ah...
----------------
Now playing: Violent Femmes - Never Tell
via FoxyTunes
Labels:
emotions,
Konal,
life,
Me,
mental health
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I'm Walking in the Air
 |
| From From Cell Phone |
This, and many other pictures in this album are from a walk I took around Palm Valley today. It was a nice walk, with perfect weather, and although I only had my cell phone and missed some great lizard and bird shots, I really relaxed.
I needed to relax, too. I have been in an emotional funk for 2 days, since I found out that one of "my" boys from when I worked in mental health before I went back to school committed suicide. Actually, all I knew at first was that he had passed and that his memorial is Monday and his mom would like for me to attend. Today, there was a blurb in the paper that told me how and where. His mom assured me that things haven't been as bad as they sounded in the paper and that she would tell me about it Monday. I let my old partner know, and meanwhile got maudlin.
It is more than the loss of a young man's life. He reminded me so much of Konal. He was one of our hardest cases and there were times when I would sit with him for 20 minutes in silence before he would start to talk. I also remember a fondness for fiery Cheeto's. His mother was and is an inspiration. She loves him so much and went through hell for him while trying to balance the rest of her family and work.
His story makes me scared for Konal. As much as I loved this boy and care for his mother, I do not want to be in her shoes. As it is, Konal was telling me last night how the world would be better off without him. He had a hard night due to many factors and we have more damage to the house. I am very sore because I ended up participating in the holds. I have not faced the messes made by his rampaging yet. The biggest mess is my heart and my head. I feel a bit lost and unsupported right now. My professional network, the one that makes things happen, like funding for Summer programs, is gone right now. We are stuck in the middle and I need things to happen.
Konal needs to be evaluated for suicide risk again. I try not to react when he makes those kinds of statements, but I wonder if he can see my heart breaking in my eyes.
I honestly feel shattered at the moment and I have so much to do. School work, mostly, but I also have preparations to make for my new job.
Yes, new job. Not sure when I will start, exactly. They are still formalizing the offer. It is a wonderful opportunity and I am honored they contacted me for it. I will be (if I find Summer care) a resource coordinator and community collaborator (they told me that they are still working on the official job title) for the West Valley office of EMPACT- SPC. SPC stands for Suicide Prevention Center. They offer a full social service and mental health continuum of care, but they are the ones who run the local suicide prevention hotline. I really hope this will not turn out to be a prophetic occurrence.
So that is why I needed the flowers and the birds and the lizards. I needed a reminder of life and goodness and hope. I needed to feel alive. Now we need to see how the next few days go.
----------------
Now playing: Indigo Girls - Power Of Two
via FoxyTunes
Labels:
emotions,
life,
Me,
Social Work,
update
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
My Favorite Diet Tips
(H/T to the F-Word)
The Sacramento Bee has republished the National Eating Disorders Association’s 10 Tips on how to promote healthy relationships with food to kids (and adults). I think it deserves a reposting here, too.
Fooled you with the post title, eh? Lied about not posting, too, but this was too important not to share. (The signing out post was NOT an April Fool's thing- honest!)1. Eat when you are hungry. Stop eating when you are full.
2. There are no “good” or “bad” foods, so eat lots of different foods, including fruits, vegetables and even sweets sometimes.
3. Eat different types of snacks: sometimes raisins, sometimes cheese, sometimes a cookie, or sometimes carrot sticks or celery dipped in peanut butter. [Ed. Or a donut- even a baby-flavored one]
4. If you are sad, mad or bored, find something to do other than eating.
5. People who exercise and stay active are healthier and better able to do what they want to do, no matter what they weigh.
6. Try to find a sport or activity that you like, then do it.
7. Good health, feeling good about yourself and having fun go hand in hand. Try different hobbies, such as drawing, playing music or making things.
8. Remind yourself that healthy bodies come in all sizes.
9. Some people believe that fat people are bad, sick and out of control, while thin people are good, healthy and in control. This is not true. And it is hurtful.
10. Do not tease people and don’t laugh at other people’s jokes about fat (or thin) people or short (or tall) people.
And, my favorite body part of the day? My hands. I don't consider them beautiful, but they are strong and capable. They can wield a needle and do fine embroidery or exhibit brute strength and open a jar.
Labels:
Body Image,
Fat Acceptance,
Me
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
A Post About Nothing
I have so much I could write right now. I need to finish the story of me and Chris. I could write about politics, current events, and the election. I could explore some of the things I am learning about myself as I navigate a path of being unwell. I could even just rant about how sucky, yet at the same time happy, my life is right now. I even had a post bubbling around in my head about the differences at home when my children are here and when they are not.
But I am not going to. I don't want to- you can't make me. I am going to whine a tiny bit. My laptop died. It might have a chance for resurrection, but right now the best I am hoping for is to get some school docs I need off the hard drive. I am coughing yellow cottage cheese out of my lungs, and I just drove 40 miles one way to find out my Dr's appointment is tomorrow. I missed a "transcendent" St. Patrick's Day at O'Connors (as Chris phrased it). Oh heck- this is my Spring Break too. And I just want to feel better.
I am slowly working on schoolwork. As long as I can stay out of the hospital/ER, it looks hopeful that I will graduate. I am feeling better than last week, and really, besides being utterly overwhelmed, my life is going fairly damn well.
But, like any other adult in this world, I am reserving the right to throw a 3-year-olds tantrum. Too bad I don't have the energy.
EDIT: Oh, and just because...
Sunday, March 16, 2008
A wee update & a meme
Spent another night in the emergency room. Have more drugs and a diagnosis of viral bronchitis. I will live, but I am worried about my school career :(
So, to lighten the mood, or not, a meme:
Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything [within reason] : latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on yaoi, favorite type of underwear, graphic techniques, etc. Repost in your own journal if you are so inclined.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Redefining myself Part 2
Part 1
So, when I left off, I had just figured out that I had an rare genetic disease. CAH is an autosomal recessive disorder. In layman's terms, both men and women can have it, and both of my parents had to have the gene that causes it.
Medically, it is fairly simple to understand. My body does not manufacture enough of the enzymes needed in the hormone conversion process. First some basic biology:
The endocrine system is a complex collection of hormone-producing glands that control basic body functions such as metabolism, growth and sexual development. The endocrine glands consist of: pituitary; pineal; thyroid and parathyroids; adrenals; pancreas; thymus; testes (male); and ovaries (female).
Hormones are the chemical signaling molecules produced by the endocrine glands and secreted directly into the bloodstream. They travel through the blood to distant tissues and organs, where they can bind to specific cell sites called receptors. By binding to receptors, hormones trigger various responses in the tissues containing the receptors.
Does this make sense? Hormones are control signals that tell your body what to do when.
The adrenal glands, as mentioned, are part of the endocrine system. They have a couple of different duties in the body:The adrenal glands are a pair of small organs, each about the size of a walnut, located on top of the kidneys just below the ribs in the back. They produce various hormones, or chemical messengers, which are released into the bloodstream. The inner core (medulla) of the adrenal gland makes adrenalin and is not affected in CAH. The outer portion (cortex) normally makes three different products: cortisol (hydrocortisone), aldosterone (salt-retaining hormone), and androgens (male-type hormones)Now, in my case, my cortisol and aldosterone are fine. This is good, because those two hormones can really make life interesting if they are off. My problem is with my androgen production.
Androgen: A steroid hormone, such as testosterone or androsterone, that controls the development and maintenance of masculine characteristics. Also called androgenic hormone.This is where it gets tricky. I may get this completely wrong, so bear with me. My endocrinologist told me the breakdown was Cholesterol -> Pregnenolone -> 17-OH-pregnenolone -> DHEA. My problem occurs in the pathway between 17-OH-pregnenolone and DHEA. My DHEAs levels are high. DHEA is what becomes Testosterone.
Unfortunately, ACTH signals the entire adrenal gland to work harder, not just the part that makes cortisol. The faulty enzyme causes a bottleneck in the chemical assembly line that makes cortisol, resulting in a piling up of "raw products" for making the final adrenal hormones. These substances spill over into other production lines which do not use the faulty enzyme: the production lines for androgens (male hormones). The pituitary ACTH control (which senses low cortisol, but is insensitive to too much male hormone) continues to make ACTH. The stimulated adrenal cannot make cortisol, but continues to make too much male hormone.Now do you see why it gets complicated? Androgens do all kinds of interesting things to the female body. Symptomology of this milder form of CAH can include:
Both males and females with NCAH may show the following:I have had quite a few of these symptoms. My endocrinologist was very surprised I had children at all, although I also had 5 miscarriages along the way.
Premature development of body hair (pubic and underarm);
Body odor (young children’s perspiration normally has no odor);
Early, rapid growth spurt, but ultimately short stature as adult (abnormal bone aging);
Oily hair and skin;
Severe acne;
Anxiety, depression, mood swings, migraines;
Infertility
In females, symptoms most frequently become apparent shortly after the onset of menses and may include the following (as well as those symptoms mentioned above):
Early age of first menstrual period;
Menstrual irregularities;
Baldness, especially at the temples (male pattern baldness);
Excessive hair growth; facial hair on chin and upper lip may be thick, coarse, and dark;
Previous diagnosis or symptoms of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).
To be continued... It is now 12:14 am and I have to be up at 6
Redefining myself
"According to the stim test results, you have a condition known as Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia."
Delivered in my endocrinologist's lilting French-African accent, these words sounded so innocuous. She really didn't explain it, except in biological terms. I knew when I walked out what was happening in my body that told her the diagnosis, and the treatment course. Six weeks of dexamethasone and spironolactone, then after a blood test to confirm improvement, dropping the spironolactone and increasing the dexamethasone. This did not prepare me for what it actually meant. It did not prepare me for the changes that would come into my life, or the emotional maelstrom I would face.
Being a good patient and internet junkie, I came home and looked up the diagnosis. I read, and I read, and I read. When I was referred to the endocrinologist, I thought we were just going to treat my Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I was continuing to gain weight even though I ate normally and I am fairly active. I did not feel particularly sick.
When she ordered the ACTH Stimulation Test, I was complacent, not really sure what she was looking for, even though I did look it up. The test was an extremely painful experience, and made me feel sick the rest of the day. I was bruised and battered (I am a difficult blood draw) and wasn't sure if this all was really necessary.
Now, as I read through the material, I opened my eyes to what this really meant. I received a good education in the endocrine system that day. Words like 21-hydroxylase deficiency and 17OH-pregnenolone floated before my eyes.
Congenital adrenal hyperplasia
Now what does this mean to me? That will be continued soon, because it is time to get children from school.
Part 2
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Expectations
When I originally found out I was pregnant with my oldest son, I did not have too many expectations of what being a parent was like. I was 19 years old, and living a fairly unstable nomadic life at that point. Finding out I was pregnant was like adding fertilizer to the garden. My growth increased, I started to unfurl, but it was not instantaneous.
Going through childbirth is to this day the one experience in my life that was the most intense. I think nothing else captures that sense of pain, exhaustion, joy, and expectation that the delivery process is.
I am an insatiable learner, and devoured books on parenting whole. I was determined to "do this right". Raising children was going to be my opus magna. Then, reality set in. I was doing it by the book, but the books often conflicted, and my son had his own ideas. We were poor, and by the time he was two I was working 50 hours a week, taking 9 credit hours in school, and still doing the brunt of the home and child care. By the time he was three, I was tired of the supermom life and moved my family 200 miles away from our home base to go to school full time. Along came my second child.
That was when things got really interesting. Things were not going well. I learned, I lived, but I fell prey to self-doubt. I believed I was the one going insane, when in reality, it was the chaos swirling around me. I had to let some things go, and grab on and hold tight to other things. I was damaged, but I survived. My children survived. My marriage did not. My career did not. My confidence in my abilities as a parent did not.
After that Winter came the Spring. I started to grow again. I adapted to the new life I had, learning to live and to parent anew. I embraced a new identity as the mother of a child with special needs, as the mother of boys, and as a single mother. I embraced motherhood.
And yet, I did not realize yet that those nebulous expectations still existed. I still expected my children to be children. I still expected that those in my life would respect my role as their mother, and as my older son's caregiver. And, even more importantly, I expected people to acknowledge the fact that I am not perfect. I still had needs beyond motherhood, and one of those was the need for a break.
I had not realized that I had not confronted the fact that my expectations of what life would be like at this point have been completely shattered. I have not mourned the loss of the life I dreamed of. I thought my children would be working towards independence and my life would look a lot different than it does.
Each day was and is a new adventure. I never know what to expect. And I have found my expectations to be shaped by the life I lived and by my experiences. I fall short of those expectations, and find myself revising them. My children do not fit in those expectations and I find myself revising them. And sometimes, something happens that makes me re-examine everything.
I have a quote in my e-mail signature that I get a lot of compliments on: "Bringing up a family should be an adventure, not an anxious discipline in which everybody is constantly graded for performance." ~ Milton R. Sapirstein (Paradoxes of Everyday Life). There is currently a lot of conflict in my oldest's son's Child and Family Team. (.pdf) A therapist I am seeing was reviewing the issues I brought up, a lot of which were a direct critique of me and my parenting, and a recommendation that my son go live with his father. This is not the place to go into details about the how or the why or even the rebuttals against some of the accusations being leveled at me.
But the point I am trying to make is that she said something that blew me out of the water. She looked at me and told me that she did not know if she could handle someone examining her parenting to that level of detail. I looked at her blankly for a second, and slowly realized a new paradigm. While I had verbalized the quote above, I had not internalized it. I had merely accepted the fact that my parenting was going to be scrutinized with a fine tooth comb because I had invited people into my life for help. I had internalized the "Your son has problems, therefore you must be a bad parent" message. I allowed others expectations and perceptions of me to guide what I was doing, instead of really figuring out what was truly best for my family.
We had had a discussion last week, because I am not doing so well at school, about failure and perfection. I realized something and said it through tears, "I can fail at school, but I can NOT fail at parenthood. The stakes are too high." That evolved into a discussion of how vulnerable you are when you present something as your best creative work and people tear it to shreds. People have been doing that to me for years. But now, I think I am ready to say it.
Raising my children, giving them boundaries while allowing them to develop into their own people, and coaching them and helping them through their lives, is my best creative work. I have put myself into it body and soul. And in spite of all the hardship, all the trauma, and the extra help our little family needs, I am proud of it. I am a good parent. I am not a perfect parent, and no one has a right to expect me to be one.
Labels:
disability,
family,
introspection,
Me,
parenting
Monday, December 24, 2007
Christmas Eve
It is 12:53 and I sit here blogging instead of all the myriad tasks I have to tackle.
I will get up and do something, I swear... But meanwhile, Happy Holidays to you!!!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Confessing to Depression
Depression is an ugly word. It conjures many things to many people. Most of those images are negative.
I am depressed.
I have clinical depression.
I am not a naturally sad person. Far from it- I often display the full gamut of emotions.
I slowly, and inevitably, cease to function in day to day life. I let things go that I shouldn't. I ignore life going on around me and stop participating. I can't stand the give and take of conversation and the comfort and support of friends.
I fool friends and family, because I still go through the motions. People think I am functioning normally and all systems are go, but inside I am building wall upon wall around the bleakness of life that flows through me. There is no real definition to this. I sabotage things that are important to me, but at the time, I could not identify what I am doing.
It is like my body goes "enough! stop! no more abuse, no more yelling, no more hitting". I lose those reserves that keep me a tidepool of calm in the raging ocean of my life. It is a silent, hidden thing. I am not allowed to be depressed. I am the matriarch of my family and the one who keeps everything together.
I am the support to many and I can not fail them, which is why I take the drugs for the depression. But I forget pills, sink lower, neglect myself. It is a vicious cycle.
I would love to address it through exercise, diet, activity, stress-reduction and such. I wish that was possible.
I am doing better now, but the last few months have been hard. I haven't had active suicide thoughts, but I have a bit of ideation. I am just tired, I know this. It doesn't make it any easier. Does it ever get any easier? Or will I always see this as a moral failing- that I am letting people down?
Labels:
depression,
emotions,
Me,
mental health
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Busy, Busy Day
I have lots and lots to write about, process, and wonder.... but first I need to tackle this:
Update 10:18 PM
1) Homework
a) Finish Writing Final paper for Practice
b) Finish Writing DDD Paper
c) Work on stuff for MISS
2) Chore List
a) Empty Dishwasher
b) Wipe Down Counters
c) Mop Kitchen
d) Clean off side table
e) Put away clean clothes**
f) Laundry 4 loads done**
g) Vacuum
h) Clean Fish Tanks
i) Refill Bird Feeder
j) Empty Box
k) Sort Paperwork
l) Install Drawer
m) Lay a Tile
n) Make Bed
3) Phone Calls
a) NASW- Call before 2 1-800-742-4089
b) Call on Konal’s Referrals**
c) Call the IRS
4) Errands
a) Cox for new Splitter
b) Aidan’s Bike to be repaired
c) Buttons for Duvet Cover
5) SelfCare
a) Shower
b) Dressed
c) Pull out Cross Stitch
** = In Progress
Now I am sitting working on Needlework. It has been a long time. Didn't get a lot done, but it was a busy day. Watched Austyn, dealt with Konal therapy issues, and Konal had a rough night, although not a raining blood and bodies night.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Some Days are better than others...
This post courtesy of the germs running rampant in my home. That is all.
