Read much?

"From your 240 subscriptions, over the last 30 days you read 5,002 items, starred 1 items,shared 24 items, and emailed 6 items."

Just a bit! :) I am thinking of purging my subscriptions, but I don't know which ones.

It is a busy weekend.  I am sitting in my Partners in Policymaking session in the basement of Chandler hospital.  Chris and I are going to a birthday party tonight.  I am going to end up working all day tomorrow.  I have a Legislative Advocacy session on Tuesday and I am going to Tucson for a Special Education Training by Peter Wright on Thursday.  The boys have Spring break the week after.

Been tweeting my training this weekend.  I am very much a multi-tasker in trainings.  I listen to everything, but I get bored easily, thus, this blog post.  So much potential and so much good for persons with disabilities.  Anybody can be successful and own their own home.

Doodle by Lee. The code for this doodle and other doodles you can use on your blog can be found at Doodles.

Soundtrack in my head

This is one of a few songs currently running through my brain.

The Story Lyrics

Good things are happening

So, we had a Child and Family Team meeting today (Arizona's version of Wraparound).  It was the best one ever!  We made some real process in Konal's treatment planning and are going to be trying some innovative new things. I had some good things happen for my future career today that I can't talk about yet, as well.  We talked transition planning around Konal's move to his Dad's as well as transition into adulthood.

I can't believe he is going to be 15 this year!  He is like a fine wine, mellowing and becoming a finer edition of himself as he ages.  We were so afraid of his teenage years, and they are turning out to be the best years we have had with him.

My son is a rockstar!  He handles a heavy load life threw at him and is getting better at it every day.  I made the poor boy cry last night.  We snuggled for a while, which is a rare event.  While we were snuggling, I told him how much I loved him, how unconditional that love is and that neither his dad nor I want him to feel like he had to choose between us.  Where he lives does not change how much we love him.

He was embarrassed that he cried, but I think it was good for him.  Someday he is going to read this and be so mad at me.  Just a chance I will have to take!

Life is Not Fair

Konal is not the best communicator in the world. He came home from school last night in a bad mood. As a result, he decided to give me the silent treatment. I would love to say that it didn't bother me at all, that I enjoyed the unusual silence. If I said that, I would be wrong. I am a natural communicator and the silent treatment drives me insane. If I don't consciously rein it in, I will badger a person to an extreme.

Well I am tired and cyclic, and I badgered. Finally, with a huge flourish, I was handed this note:


As part of the consequences from last night, he had lost the book he was reading until this morning. Two things about consequences in this house- they are as natural as possible and they are time limited. The book was involved in the incident, therefore it was taken away. Then chaos ensued.

He pouted all evening about the consquences, but was still unable to see his part in the incident. This is a concept he struggles with greatly. The best story to illustrate the point of view we are struggling with comes from a few years ago, in a time before direct supports.

I don't remember the context of the incident, but I remember the incident vividly. It was one of the few times he broke skin biting me. He had gotten lockjawed on my hand, and I had to press his head in, then break the seal to get free. I had a bloody bruised place the size of a silver dollar and was crying at this point.

He looked at me with a face etched with the indignity of the situation and angrily marched over to the phone where he dialed 911.

"My mom is hurting me. She hurt my mouth."

More conversation followed, but the gist of it was that I was a horrible parent because I hurt him. He completely did not, and still does not, see the progression and the culpability leading up to that pain.

We had fun when the police came. That was one of the few times I was worried he would actually be arrested, and he was only 10.

Ability Tuesday

I really want to thank Debbie at Twittermoms.  I needed to be reminded to celebrate my boys' abilities.  So, now I am going to participate in her meme "Ability Tuesday".

Konal is a numbers guy.  I am not bad at math, but I have trouble recalling memorized facts, such as 8*7.  He is my go-to-guy for that.  He is always ready with an answer.  If he is in a good mood, he will sit down and help his brother with his math homework.  He is in honors math right now, and is being recommend for honors algebra next year.  This is good, because he wants to be an engineer and design cars.

Aidan is very creative.  I always have drawings of his around the house and his short stories are funny.  I gave him graph paper and drawing pens for his birthday this year, because he has a fascination with geometric drawing right now.  I can't wait to see what his next passion is!

My boys are wonderful.  They both have special needs in their lives, but they have so many abilities that shine out.

Is Love Enough?

The weather lady on TV just told me what a beautiful morning in the Valley it is.  I am not feeling it.  In fact, I woke up after a fitful night's sleep feeling numb and shellshocked.  I know this feeling well.  It is the natural reaction after a night of trying to contain Konal's rages.

I puttered around the house this morning, picking up the trail of destruction left in his wake and making a mental list of repairs that need to be done.  The permanent damage is not that bad this time.  The main damage that occurs is to the psyche of the family- to me, to Aidan and to Konal when he comes down and realizes what he has done.

I slapped him last night.  It is something that is done in anger, frustration and pain. I am not proud of it, and I immediately apologize to him and to myself.  I believe in non-violence and it disgusts me when I return violence with violence.  What kind of example does that give?  Maybe I hold myself to a higher standard than I should, especially considering at the time his teeth had a death grip on my swollen, painful hand.

Is love really supposed to be this painful?  Is parenting supposed to be this hard?  I look at the pain in Aidan's eyes as he hides in my bedroom trying to read a book, but hypervigilant in case Konal picks him as next target.  I look at the pain in Konal's eyes as he comes back to himself and realizes what he just did.  I look at the pain I feel and the physical expression of it in our trashed home. I look at this and I see it, but I don't know what to do about it.

Our family is wounded.  It is a wound that keeps getting opened over and over again, scarring and taking longer to heal each time. As their parent, I am the protector.  I am the one charged with keeping everyone safe, of caring for them, raising them, and teaching them.  I am failing at this task because I have run out of options.

It is this point in time that the behavioral health system is supposed to be at its best.  It is supposed to provide options when there are none.  It is supposed to help shore up hope when it is trickling away.  Unfortunately, the current state of the system in AZ means that it is not guaranteed that it will be there for our family when we need it.

We will be fine.  We are a resilient family.  Konal has come far, but is re-entering a twice yearly cycle.  We will manage like we always do.  We love each other deeply and that is enough.  It has to be- it is all we got.