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"Each of us must come to care about everyone else's children. We must recognize that the well being of our own children is intimately linked to the well being of all other people's children. After all, when one of our children needs life-saving surgery, someone else's child will perform it. When one of our children is harmed by violence, someone else's child will commit it. The good life for our own children can be secured only if it is also secured for all other people's children. But to work for the well being of all children is not just a practical matter-- it is also right!" - Lilian G. Katz, Phd.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Time after time

I have mentioned it before. Konal is moving in with his dad on May 22 (the last day of school).  All of the arrangements are almost done. He is enrolled in high school there.  His primary care physcian has been changed.  I still have some details to take care of, but I delivered the notarized letter changing physical custody last week.

It sounds like he is moving far away, but it is only 20 miles.  On the inside, I feel the distance getting farther and farther away.  Konal is handling this like most kids, feeling that he needs to push me away in order to be closer to his dad.  Intellectually I understand this, but emotionally my heart is breaking into itty bitty pieces. If you listen closely, you can hear it.

I think all we have been through together makes it harder.  Holding him while he tries to hide from the hallucinations. Keeping him safe through the rages.  Celebrating the victories and growth. Being there for him.  So many Dr's appointments. So many moments of sadness and of joy.

I know this is a process all parents go through.  I will get through this, and there is even a part of me that is looking forward to the break.  I was even the one who suggested the move, noticing how much Konal was craving time with his Dad.  I am still crying on the inside.  I am scared.  I am worried that it won't work.  I am mourning the loss of control.  

Meanwhile, I will be there to support his Dad and him during the transition.  This couldn't have happened even a year ago- there was too much instability on both sides.  Things are by no means easy still, but they are much, much better. I am not truly losing my little boy by any means.  He is just moving on to another phase of life.  And if it doesn't work out, I will be here...