Return to Krista's Korner

"Each of us must come to care about everyone else's children. We must recognize that the well being of our own children is intimately linked to the well being of all other people's children. After all, when one of our children needs life-saving surgery, someone else's child will perform it. When one of our children is harmed by violence, someone else's child will commit it. The good life for our own children can be secured only if it is also secured for all other people's children. But to work for the well being of all children is not just a practical matter-- it is also right!" - Lilian G. Katz, Phd.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Not sure what to title this...

**Language warning**

Is it possible to be in a good mood and a bad mood at the same time? I am about to settle down and get my shit done so I can actually graduate. Meanwhile, I am horribly depressed about things. I am also quite happy. I feel rather mixed-state bipolar at the moment.

Konal is having a rough time. I can feel the future blowing in the breeze, and it isn't pretty. I wonder if I am strong enough. Am I fucking up my kids? Am I a good enough parent to weather this storm? The echoes of self-doubt have trickled back up to me from a not so distant past. I hear those echoes every time he cycles.

I can deal with the aggression. I can deal with the paranoia and delusions. Those are easy. They are a known factor. But now we have crushing self-criticism and the proclamation that "They shouldn't let kids like me live. We are too dangerous." He has a self-awareness that is eating away at both me and him. He hasn't tried anything, but my heart splits into tiny little pieces when he states that he doesn't deserve to live.

I am in the middle of a major life transition, which is always hard. I think this is part of the process of coming into myself as well. I am excited about my new job. I am always excited when I get to spend time with Chris. I am fairly happy at the same time I am crumbling away. It is a strange juxtaposition, and it is hard to explain.

Poor Chris. I don't communicate well about my feelings, so half the time he doesn't know what I am dealing with until he reads my blog. That is no way to run a relationship. I have a fear of discussing my feelings. I think if I express them verbally, they will burst through me and take control. I will melt away and their will be nothing left of me but emotions. I wonder if this is what Konal feels, taken to a stronger degree...

On one hand, I am going to be featured in an ASU ad, and here is the copy they wrote to describe me:
Experiencing a wide range of challenges that include divorce, homelessness and living in poverty, Krista is not one to lay down quietly and let things happen to her. She has worked towards a degree over the past 14 years, receiving a Parents Association scholarship her senior year. As a single mom raising two boys, one with significant special-needs, Krista has learned about and worked with many state and federal medical and behavioral health systems. She is translating this skill to her professional life, graduating with a social work degree that she plans to apply to an advocacy career, affecting change on a systemic level that will help pave the road for families, like hers, experiencing multiple challenges.
On the other hand, I am wondering why in the hell am I so special??? What did I do to deserve the friends, family and supporters I have. There are times I feel like I am a fraud and no one sees the real me... Of course, this is probably just the stress talking. Still. Sigh.

The song I am listening to right now is kind of similar to how I feel:
Violent Femmes - Never Tell

Some people stand like trees, without a word
and what that means is that some people don't talk.

Oh please pardon me mister.
Ya know I just didn't hear you the first time that you said that,
but now that you repeat for me, I'll be sure to do what I can.
Ya know I'm going to do what I can,
do what I can, do, do, do, do what I can.
Gonna do what I can,
do what I can, do, do, do, do what I can,
but no more, you understand?

Oh please pardon me father.
Ya know I just didn't hear you that, that, that
that first time that you said th...
help me, help me, help me, help me...
Repeat it, repeat it, repeat it.
I'll be sure do, do, do what I can.
Do what I can, do what I can, do, do, do, do what I can.
Gotta do what I can, do what I can, do, do, do, do what I can,
but no more, you understand?

It's of utmost importance, we're dealing with volatile substance. (4 times)

I had so much on my mind.
I was so glad when I died, oh...

Listen to me baby.
Can you keep a secret for me?
Make sure no one finds out,
cause then the lights will go out,
and I will find you out,
and I will cut you up.
Uh hmm, don't ask me why,
because, I said, I said, I said
I'm gonna do what I can, do what I can, do, do, do, do what I can.
Gotta do what I can, do what I can, do, do, do, do what I can. (3 times)
but I'll have none of that, you understand?

Don't you know nothin'? You never tell on someone. (3 times)
Don't you know nothin'? You ain't never going to tell on someone.

What you going to do?
Gonna turn, gonna turn rat fink?
What you wanna do?
Do want to see, do you wanna see what it's like to sink?
Sink down, sink down, sink down, down, down to the bottom of the river.
Sink down, sink, sink down down.
Down, down, to the bottom of the river, sink, down sink.
Sink down, down. Down, down to bottom of the river.
Sink down, sink, sink down down.
Down, down to the bottom of the river.

Don't you know no one? You never tell on someone. (3 times)
Don't you know no one? You ain't never gonna tell on someone. (3 times)

Ah, ah, oh, I tell you what it's like, I tell you what it's like, oh.
I stood right up in the heart of Hell, I never tell. (3 times)
I stood right up in the heart of Hell,
I'm never gonna tell, tell, tell, tell.
I'm never, never, never, never gonna tell, tell, tell, tell.
Nothing, nothing, never gonna tell, tell, tell, tell.
I'm never, never, never, never gonna tell, tell, tell, tell.
Nothing, nothing, never gonna tell, tell, tell, tell.
Ah...


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Now playing: Violent Femmes - Never Tell
via FoxyTunes