|From From Cell Phone|
This, and many other pictures in this album are from a walk I took around Palm Valley today. It was a nice walk, with perfect weather, and although I only had my cell phone and missed some great lizard and bird shots, I really relaxed.
I needed to relax, too. I have been in an emotional funk for 2 days, since I found out that one of "my" boys from when I worked in mental health before I went back to school committed suicide. Actually, all I knew at first was that he had passed and that his memorial is Monday and his mom would like for me to attend. Today, there was a blurb in the paper that told me how and where. His mom assured me that things haven't been as bad as they sounded in the paper and that she would tell me about it Monday. I let my old partner know, and meanwhile got maudlin.
It is more than the loss of a young man's life. He reminded me so much of Konal. He was one of our hardest cases and there were times when I would sit with him for 20 minutes in silence before he would start to talk. I also remember a fondness for fiery Cheeto's. His mother was and is an inspiration. She loves him so much and went through hell for him while trying to balance the rest of her family and work.
His story makes me scared for Konal. As much as I loved this boy and care for his mother, I do not want to be in her shoes. As it is, Konal was telling me last night how the world would be better off without him. He had a hard night due to many factors and we have more damage to the house. I am very sore because I ended up participating in the holds. I have not faced the messes made by his rampaging yet. The biggest mess is my heart and my head. I feel a bit lost and unsupported right now. My professional network, the one that makes things happen, like funding for Summer programs, is gone right now. We are stuck in the middle and I need things to happen.
Konal needs to be evaluated for suicide risk again. I try not to react when he makes those kinds of statements, but I wonder if he can see my heart breaking in my eyes.
I honestly feel shattered at the moment and I have so much to do. School work, mostly, but I also have preparations to make for my new job.
Yes, new job. Not sure when I will start, exactly. They are still formalizing the offer. It is a wonderful opportunity and I am honored they contacted me for it. I will be (if I find Summer care) a resource coordinator and community collaborator (they told me that they are still working on the official job title) for the West Valley office of EMPACT- SPC. SPC stands for Suicide Prevention Center. They offer a full social service and mental health continuum of care, but they are the ones who run the local suicide prevention hotline. I really hope this will not turn out to be a prophetic occurrence.
So that is why I needed the flowers and the birds and the lizards. I needed a reminder of life and goodness and hope. I needed to feel alive. Now we need to see how the next few days go.
Now playing: Indigo Girls - Power Of Two