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"Each of us must come to care about everyone else's children. We must recognize that the well being of our own children is intimately linked to the well being of all other people's children. After all, when one of our children needs life-saving surgery, someone else's child will perform it. When one of our children is harmed by violence, someone else's child will commit it. The good life for our own children can be secured only if it is also secured for all other people's children. But to work for the well being of all children is not just a practical matter-- it is also right!" - Lilian G. Katz, Phd.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Confessing to Depression

Depression is an ugly word. It conjures many things to many people. Most of those images are negative.

I am depressed.
I have clinical depression.

I am not a naturally sad person. Far from it- I often display the full gamut of emotions.

I slowly, and inevitably, cease to function in day to day life. I let things go that I shouldn't. I ignore life going on around me and stop participating. I can't stand the give and take of conversation and the comfort and support of friends.

I fool friends and family, because I still go through the motions. People think I am functioning normally and all systems are go, but inside I am building wall upon wall around the bleakness of life that flows through me. There is no real definition to this. I sabotage things that are important to me, but at the time, I could not identify what I am doing.

It is like my body goes "enough! stop! no more abuse, no more yelling, no more hitting". I lose those reserves that keep me a tidepool of calm in the raging ocean of my life. It is a silent, hidden thing. I am not allowed to be depressed. I am the matriarch of my family and the one who keeps everything together.

I am the support to many and I can not fail them, which is why I take the drugs for the depression. But I forget pills, sink lower, neglect myself. It is a vicious cycle.

I would love to address it through exercise, diet, activity, stress-reduction and such. I wish that was possible.

I am doing better now, but the last few months have been hard. I haven't had active suicide thoughts, but I have a bit of ideation. I am just tired, I know this. It doesn't make it any easier. Does it ever get any easier? Or will I always see this as a moral failing- that I am letting people down?