Que Sarah, Sarah: Take this Oprah!: "So now, I question my every thought and belief. What is the point in pursuing spirituality or faith when the messages you believed came from a higher source turned out to be mere fabicrations of my mind. Or perhaps this was to be my path, but things such as cancer and illness are out of the scope of God's control? A physiological accident happened, it was discovered at too late a stage for treatment to be effective, and now my path has changed? There is no point in searching for meaning in all this because I can't trust the meaning I find. Gah! I don't know what my point is. Nothing too brilliant. I guess I'm just having a pity party and whining that life isn't fair. Why do people who don't even want kids get accidentally pregnant, or people who are ambivalent but just have babies because they want someone to take care of them when they're old get pregnant, while women who really want kids suffer from infertility or illness? I guess I just want to scream: Yes, bad things happen to good people! Good things happen to bad people! There is such thing as being lucky and unlucky, and a lot of what happens in this life is absolutely random! Take that Oprah!"
Note: (I had saved this, and forgot to post it, but since I wrote it, I say it counts for NaBloPoMo)
Sarah is talking about Cancer, and unfortunately her journey ended this year. I found this through Moreena's blog and her post about Coping Mechanisms.
Bad things happen to good people.
Positivity does not change things.
Moreena and Sarah are speaking about making seriously ill people feel guilty and at fault for their illness if they can't maintain a positive avenue. I want to take this somewhere else entirely.
I am frequently called a positive person and told I have a great outlook on life. Um, yeah. Chris last night mentioned that he found me to be Pollyannaish at times. He prefers the security of the cynic. If things go well, that is great, but if they go poorly, he was right.
I found myself struggling to explain my outlook. I am not naturally inclined to a positive outlook. I am forced there by circumstances. Life has not gone well for me. I am one of those people that are continually in crisis. If something bad can happen, it probably will. Therefore, after so much trauma and pain, the only thing left to me is hope.
It is a coping mechanism. Without hope I have nothing left. Hope always me to push my head above the fog and figure out where I am going in life. It is what keeps me going. As I get mired down in the day to day struggle to survive intact, it shows me what the fight is for.
I do not deny the reality of my situation. I am perfectly cognizant of the obstacles and challenges that I face. In fact, it is a crushing burden that I am unable to carry on my own. Luckily, I do not have to do that. There is a team lift happening on that burden. At one corner is my family, another corner is me, another corner is my friends and community, and the last corner is hope.
As long as three of the four are able to shoulder the burden, everything does not come tumbling down. Sometimes I get tired and have to drop it a while. Sometimes I am doing fine, but my family needs a break. So far, it has all worked. But, honestly, there are times I think the only one carrying the burden is hope. It sags and gets lower, but hope is strong and keeps it going until all the other team members come back in.
And some day, that burden will reach the destination. All I will be left with is the lessons learned by carrying it, the strong muscles gained, the scars and bruises from the times it has slipped. And that is OK. Because that will be the time when I step in to support the corner of someone else's load.
This post went to a completely different destination than I was intending. It is almost like they write themselves.
March for PROGRESS
1 week ago