As of today, I am 33 years old. Still quite young, but old enough to have seen too much of the world. I had a quiet birthday. There were storms threatening all day, and I really hoped for some rain, but my little corner of the world only got dust and wind. I cleaned house with a tiara on, just for the hell of it. Made some progress on my project of getting my room painted and none on writing. Order pizza for just myself after Chris wasn't able to make it because his corner of the world was flooded.
I enjoyed myself today, even with the emotional stability of a three year old that I am currently experiencing thanks to cycles.
That emotional instability is why I put off writing this post for a couple of days. I had a really good birthday and I want to thank Jessie and Benji, My brother and his lovely wife, Jen and Brian, Jeff, and Pat and Holly for coming. My devotion to Chris goes without saying. I got very drunk thanks to y'all. I enjoyed the music and the company and had a good time.
But I came away feeling a bit hurt. I know a lot of people who I care for very much. I know I get a little isolated thanks to my hectic life, but I try to put my social connections as a priority and make as many functions as I can. I found myself wishing many more people had come. I adore the people who showed, and thank them for making it a night to remember. And yet, I still was missing people who did not come.
Now, before anyone comes away feeling defensive, I need to explain a few things. One was already mentioned, which is why I waited to write this, or it would have come out "Nobody loves me, why didn't you come to my party, Damn it!"
Two is that I already know that people had excellent reasons for not coming. This was a gathering thrown at the last minute, and y'all have lives. I hold no one person in particular as responsible for this feeling of abandonment.
But, you see, there is a history. I have had very large gatherings planned in the past. My Divorce Party, My Graduation Party, and others. I had very small turn-outs to those. All this has ever done is reinforce this feeling that I am just not a part of things. I will probably not try to throw another one. It is not in me to try again.
I have some very close friends who I love and who know every part of me, and the rest of the time I am in groups of people where I feel like I just don't quite belong. I have never, and I mean never, in my life found a group where I felt completely comfortable and like I belonged and was one of them. This is not a fault, but it is hard to feel that way. Wanting to belong is a strong feeling, and one that is often a driving force for people.
Then there is the realization that the odds are that I belong just fine and am a legitimate part of things, and my mind is just giving me grief. There is definitely a history of insecurity in me.
I am a social being, and sometimes I just feel like that part of myself is not getting the sustenance it needs. Now I need to figure out what I am going to do about this.
This post brought to you courtesy of caffeine, menses, and an introspective nature that has been overactive for the last couple of weeks.
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