It is that time of year again. Stockings are hung over the Christmas Village with care and visions of Pokemon danced through the air. I am tired. I will admit freely to that. We decorated the tree tonight, when it is traditionally done the weekend after turkey day. What is it about Christmas that both brings out the sentimental fool and the monster mom at the same time. My kids must think I am bipolar. "Don't you dare leave those socks on my nice clean floor!!" "Ohhhhh, it was the first ornament you made in Head Start."
The kids got tired of decorating the tree and left mom to finish. Normally that would be OK, but at this point I am dragging too, cussing all the way. Then I am crying over an ornament with my family picture in it from 1980. I can do this. I am super mom, right? I have no clue why I let my mother invite 10 people over for Christmas dinner when until last week, I couldn't stand upright for more than 5 minutes.
What are these standards we hold ourselves to? I have never been able to go "This is friends and family, they will understand a bit of untidiness..."
It must be some kind of feminine programming from childhood coupled by my mom's well intentioned but sarcastic remarks. Must clean, must cook, must have a traditional Christmas even if it kills me.... Because if I keep pushing it like I did the last couple of days, it will.
What happened to my joy in the season. I was as holiday crazy as the rest of them, but this year, I just want it over with. No, correction. I want Christmas, I want my house clean and decorated. I want all the things I am doing. But I want to be able to do them on my time schedule and not rushed (Which life dictated otherwise). And I want to be able to not do them and not feel guilty or emotional over it. I have been sick. I should just admit that and move on. It is OK, it is to be expected. I am ready to be fully healed. I am sure Chris is ready too. Recovery is taking far longer than I can allow it to. I think the theme of this is not my frustation with Christmas preparations, but my frustation with my body.
I have Christmas presents that have not arrived. I have cleaning and home improvements to get done. I have my contract to wrap up and get done, and I would really like to get things for me done- like some stitching or my room clean. I think that maybe I am feeling stretched thin.
It has been an emotional year. I am ready for this year to be over and a new one begin. It has been a year of joy and sorrow, of pain (literally) and liberation. I have explored who I am and what my values are. I have learned more about people and my interactions with them. I have discovered that I care passionately and deeply about the world, although I am unwilling to follow any party line, but want a chance to find out and think for myself.
So, on a positive note, I am grateful and blessed by 2005, but very ready for '06. Here is to a happy, healthy, and productive New Year!
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