Return to Krista's Korner

"Each of us must come to care about everyone else's children. We must recognize that the well being of our own children is intimately linked to the well being of all other people's children. After all, when one of our children needs life-saving surgery, someone else's child will perform it. When one of our children is harmed by violence, someone else's child will commit it. The good life for our own children can be secured only if it is also secured for all other people's children. But to work for the well being of all children is not just a practical matter-- it is also right!" - Lilian G. Katz, Phd.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Baby Blues

Why is the need to have a baby so imperative? It is this pulsing, living thing that eats at me. I dream of babies, drool over them and get teary eyed over a receiving blanket. I have my two boys and love them dearly. I think I have never given up that image I have of being a stay at home mom with a house full of children.

I want to be pregnant. I want to have baby spit on my clothes. I want to devote all my energy to raising happy, healthy children- our hope for the future. I want to homeschool, do scouts, activities, etc... All the things I am trying to hold onto now with the boys, even though it is bankrupting me, in money sense, in emotional sense, in time sense....

How do I balance these urges against the career I am building, against all the interests I have. It helps that it is not possible right now, but I still dream and fantasize.

I want my own house, my own home. I dream of not worrying every single day about money- about being able to go to Target for laundry detergent without having to juggle bills.

Sigh....

When will I be able to have a normal life? Do I want a normal life, or just these specific aspects? Why do I yearn toward the impossible....