Return to Krista's Korner

"Each of us must come to care about everyone else's children. We must recognize that the well being of our own children is intimately linked to the well being of all other people's children. After all, when one of our children needs life-saving surgery, someone else's child will perform it. When one of our children is harmed by violence, someone else's child will commit it. The good life for our own children can be secured only if it is also secured for all other people's children. But to work for the well being of all children is not just a practical matter-- it is also right!" - Lilian G. Katz, Phd.

Wednesday, February 2, 2005

I am blessed

It is a night for candles, and for light. It is a night to honor my womanhood and to celebrate renewal. It is Imbolc and I honor it.

I sit here with a candle lit and my thoughts tumbling around in my head. I feel such a longing, but for what, I am still unsure.

I am lonely, and yet I am surrounded by family and friends. I am sad, yet there is much to be happy about. My future is ripe with possibility, and yet I am fixated on the present.

I am blessed. I have two beautiful children, who I love with every fiber of my being. I think a lot of my negativity comes from the anxiety that I am not doing my best for them. I have my mother, who is a strength. It is because of her that I have food to eat, a place to sleep, the computer I type on. I have friends and I have family and I have those who are all that and more.
I have so much, and yet am still wanting more. The problem is defining that more.

I have made a difference. I will continue to make a difference. Is this the purpose of my life? It is a noble purpose. I can't deny that. Am I on the right path? Is there another path I am supposed to be on? Why have I led such a unique life? What am I being prepared for?

Here, in this journal, it is all about me. In daily life, that is reversed. I have lost the me. Others have and always will come first. It is almost self defense. Others emotions are so open to me. I feel them so acutely, that sometimes it is hard to tell where the others stop and I begin.

So, I sit up yet another night with insomnia. I have a paper to write, my taxes to do, laundry to wash, bills to pay. I really don't have time for this. Yet, on the other hand, can I afford not to take the time on this?

I find myself yearning. I want a baby. Here I am, 30 years old, blessed with two children I can barely take care of, and I want more? I must be insane. It won't happen soon, anyway, due to a promise I made myself that I have no intention of breaking. I must have a partner this time. Not just a husband, not just my lover, but a full partner. That is what I am looking for. No more men that I have to take care of. I am looking for my soul mate. There is someone out there that is matched to me, that I do not have to hide myself from. I am tired of the masks, of hiding.

It is time to find out who the person I am hiding truly is, learn to love her and accept her. Then I can find that person (or people- I can not deny that it may be more than one. I have spent too much time around alternative lifestyles to think that life has to follow convention) who is the missing link- who completes the equation and who, together, enables us to reach even greater heights.

I want security, I want family, I want domesticity. I want to raise children, and not just survive the experience. I want to nurture.

I don't know if I want too much. I don't know what I truly want.

I want to remember that I am truly blessed and to count those blessings.

When I went in tonight to kiss the boys goodnight, I just sat and watched them sleep for a while. It is these moments I treasure. These are the moments locked in my heart. Just for tonight, I will put aside the doubt and insecurity. Just for tonight, I will not wonder if I am good enough for my children.

Just for tonight, I will look at them, dwell in their love, and in my own love for them. I will treasure the innocence in their faces, the future they represent. I will remember what it is like to be a child and enjoy that wonder at the world I did not understand yet.

Just for tonight. Tomorrow night- we will see.

One more thing- I am rereading my words and one thing stands out. My wants are not material. If I have a material want, it is passing- a fleeting thought. I have everything I need.

My wants are spiritual, they are emotional.... they are part of my very core.

Blessings to you on the coming of spring and on the season of renewal. May your year be fruitful and bring forth the products of your labor. May the seeds you plant grow, and may you sow them well. Strive to sow happiness, joy and love......