And so it keeps going.....
Wednesday night was just plain bad. I think there is no other way to describe it. Konal managed to injure his main staff person, he kicked me in the bad knee again and he is on suicide precautions after making several attempts.
I don't know when his staff will be back. The agency is scrambling to find someone to cover. The supervisor covered last night which actually went fairly well. My ex is coming tonight to take the boys to his house for the weekend.
His suicide lethality rating is fairly low. Even though he is making statements, the only time he seems to have the potential is when coming down from an escalation. Even so, we were told frankly that if things are not addressed soon, there is a good chance of him going residential. I am not happy, although I can accept that it might be a need.
My knee..... well, let's just say that all of the physical therapy and hard work I put into it is toast. I just had another Xray yesterday and when we get the results, I will have another MRI. I am back on crutches and Percoset. I am physically and emotionally run down and wondering how long I can do this.
I will do it as long as my son needs me, but at what cost?
There are times the world is easy to handle and there are times that you wonder if you are going to survive until tomorrow. The world doesn't seem to change, but your ability to cope is as variable as the weather.
In spite what this blog implies, I am usually pretty good at coping. This is one of the many ways I manage.
Right now, I think I have lost my hope. That is a horrible thing and it really makes the world look bleak. I am sure that there are mitigating factors, such as pain, medication fuzzies, this damn cold (insult to injury, I tell you). Even so, I don't know anymore. I have always been confident in my ability to help my son. I knew I could bring him back from whatever precipice he is on and help him find his way through life.
Now? Now, I am not sure.... I am scared for the first time. I am scared for him, I am scared for me- I am scared for my family- Boo, Mom, Me & Konal and for where this journey is taking us.
I am confused. I am confused as to what could be so horrible in my son's mind that he refuses to talk about it.
I blame myself even when I am told I shouldn't. I have traveled a long journey to get to this point in parenthood. We were not abusive, but we were young and frustrated..... I have screamed, I have hit, I have not been consistent or clear in my early parenting. I have grown out of that- but what damage did I inflict on my poor child during those years????
I love my children with every fiber of my being, but is love enough? What next? What now?
I have support, I have friends who care and hands reaching out to me. I will make it- I always do. Sometimes at tremendous cost. Sometimes by burying parts of myself so deep I still haven't seen them to this day. But I will get through this.
My regret- and my sorrow is that I don't have arms to hold me tight, let me cry and reassure me that it WILL be alright- and mean it. I need that right now, more than ever.
I have never felt more alone with more people around me than I do now.
I really don't want to talk to anyone right now, and I wonder if it is because I am afraid I am going to lose this control I have clamped around myself. I am so powerless right now. This control and steadiness is the only thing I have power over and it is fragile at the moment.
"If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down."
-Mary Pickford, (in Reader's Digest, 1979)
Things happen. That's just the way it is. But at every point in time we have choices to make. We can choose to learn from our mistakes. We can choose to try again. If we were perfect, and never made mistakes, then how could we possibly learn? Our wisdom comes from our own experiences. Like the song says: "pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and start all over again!"