Return to Krista's Korner

"Each of us must come to care about everyone else's children. We must recognize that the well being of our own children is intimately linked to the well being of all other people's children. After all, when one of our children needs life-saving surgery, someone else's child will perform it. When one of our children is harmed by violence, someone else's child will commit it. The good life for our own children can be secured only if it is also secured for all other people's children. But to work for the well being of all children is not just a practical matter-- it is also right!" - Lilian G. Katz, Phd.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Life, the universe and Everything

I can't sleep tonight. There are many reasons for this failure to rest, including my knee hurting, emotional overload, and other factors that I choose not to name in a public forum. I have been thinking really hard about a lot of things lately. This is not a practice I would recommend. It has led to sleep deprivation, feeling whacked out, and question the foundations of self.

I am ashamed of myself. I know why I do it, but it still is not being true to myself:
In a conversation with someone the other day, I mentioned I had a
very unconventional church in Flagstaff I went to. I do miss this church greatly, and haven't found one as welcoming and as a good fit for me since. This person asked "Oh, Wicca?" Mom was sitting right there, and so I said no, Unitarian Universalist. I was truthful, but I lied by omission. I should of said yes, I was very active in the CUUPS chapter. I wonder why I seem to skate around who I am. Of course, my mother was there, but that really shouldn't make a difference.

I take the easy route- the conventional one.
This is a pattern in my life. In others I am attracted to the complex, the insurmountable, to people who "need" me... But I always chose a middle road for myself. I am not willing to take the risks to declare myself and explore my own reality. I dabble, but then I run and hide.

Today was an intense and surreal day. I am not sure how to take confidences that were revealed to me today. I will say, I think on review, I would have rather not known. I appreciate this person's honesty, but it makes for a sticky situation and erodes a comfort level that was important to me. I can't tell this person that- this person is already in a bad situation and I can't make it worse. There are just so many factors here and it is unbelievably complex. Maybe if I didn't care so much, it wouldn't have hit me this way. Maybe if I hadn't been struggling with my own feelings on the subject it would have been easier.

Now- I am left feeling very alone. All my life I have had people who were there for me, those that understood at least one facet of my life so completely, they were able to be a foundation and support for me in that area. I have had many trials and traumas in my life and I have continually learned from them, but there was always someone to share it with. Friend, Lover, Husband, Partner.... Many people have stepped up through the years and lent me that shoulder and that arm. Suddenly, I am feeling bereft of that. My life has elements in it that I can't share, and burdens that are not lessened. One by one my supports have gone. There are multiple reasons for this, some of them my own fault.

Oh, hell, way to take responsibility for my life. All of them I have played a part in. I am unwilling to disclose enough of myself for someone to truly get to know me. I am slowly isolating myself more- cutting of all but casual acquaintances or professional ones. I am unwilling to take the risk of having someone know me that completely. I have lost so many already- I don't know if I can lose more. So I cut myself off, hide from condemnation, take the safe route. I am afraid to have someone discover what an emotional mess I truly am, what is under this facade of confidence and competence.

So I smile, and nod and say I am fine. Underneath it there is a part of me screaming. No I am not fine. My life bites and I am stuck with it. I am strange and have different ideas, so live with it.

I have a quivering 6 year old hiding under the bed in my body. That part of me that was so mercilessly teased as a child has gone into hiding. I am still a geek, a nerd, a dweeb, but only to a certain level- almost an assumed persona. That outer me can handle anything thrown at her. That inner one cowers further and screams to try to make it all go away.
That hidden part is what now prompts this introspection... This recent rash of the who am I, why am I here, what is this all about exploration. I feel fragmented and want to become whole. I want life to leave me the fuck alone long enough for me to recuperate, to recover, to wake up. I have no definition of myself anymore, only labels to live up to. You start stripping the labels, and I lose cohesion.

I am mother, I am friend, I am student, I am advocate, I am social worker, I am ex-wife, I am girlfriend, I am Irish, I am a woman. All labels. None of them describe who I am....

I wrote a friend recently and said this in response to a comment she had made:
Well, first, instead of thinking of them as troubles, I think of them as challenges that CAN be overcome. Hope for the future always keeps me going. When things get too overwhelming, I narrow my focus. The next step, the next task. That is how the unnecessary things fall by the wayside, and yet, as the tasks slow down, you can broaden, open yourself back up and view the wide world again. I learned boundaries. It took long enough, but I acknowledged that I am only one person, that I can not change everything and to only focus on what I have control over. I learned to say no and goodbye, with the knowledge that it makes the hellos that much sweeter and what I can get done, that much better. I still have a long way to go, but it is nice to look at the road I have already traveled and see how far I have come.
What a bunch of bullshit that was. I have learned to do some of this externally, but have never internalized it.
I care too much. I care about and take care of everyone else and have not paid attention to myself or my needs. All of a sudden, I pull my head out of the sand and look around and realize what a mess is left of me.

I am posting one more song that sums it up for me right now:

"Next Time" by BNL

[CHORUS (x2):]
You can always get it right next time, next time
You can always get it right next time

You can count on me to mess it up
You can count on me to let you down again
And in time you'll see that I'm your only friend

[CHORUS (x2)]

Comfort in community obliterated
Given opportunity I hesitated
Even my humility's humiliated

[CHORUS (x2)]

Next time, next time

When you die they make a list of every love you never kissed
Of each regret and each mistake
Every choice you'll fail to make
Oh well...
Oh well...
Oh well...

It's a shame I have to wait until the ending
Everything I've yet to break is surely bending
Every vow I ever take is just pretending
That this mess I make is worth defending

[CHORUS (repeat)]