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"Each of us must come to care about everyone else's children. We must recognize that the well being of our own children is intimately linked to the well being of all other people's children. After all, when one of our children needs life-saving surgery, someone else's child will perform it. When one of our children is harmed by violence, someone else's child will commit it. The good life for our own children can be secured only if it is also secured for all other people's children. But to work for the well being of all children is not just a practical matter-- it is also right!" - Lilian G. Katz, Phd.

Thursday, January 6, 2005

I am tired (the self pity fest)

Our usual afternoon worker, who is also the lead for our family, had a crisis this afternoon with another family. They found a replacement at the last minute. He was a nice guy, but I am finding it harder to conitually explain to new people about Konal and his various issues. I am never sure how to answer some of their questions and I often feel defensive, even though there is no reason I should.

Konal did well until bed time, but he didn't need a restraint. He was deescalated and went to sleep. I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. I feel like I can't tell anyone how I am feeling, because everyone depends on me. I dragged myself around the house today and did laundry, even though I shouldn't. I didn't want mom to have to deal with it. She is barely able to do the rest of what needs doing.
I am watching the house that I worked so hard getting back together crumble. Things are thrown around, not put away, smeared.

I don't know what I am going to do about Konal. It is getting worse daily. How did it get to this point? When did I become afraid my son was going to seriously injure someone? Why me? I want a resonably normal family. I don't want to know all about mental illness and its effects on the family. At this point I am not sure I even picked a good career.

Just make it all go away. Please. I need a break. I need to spend time with my children not waiting for the next incident. Wary and waiting to duck, or take him down.
I love my kids. I love Konal. At the moment- I don't want to live with him. That love is stretched thin. I need something to bring me back from the brink.

Between the pain and the stress and the exhaustion, I don't know if I can cope. I don't know how not to cope.... If I am not the sane and calm anchor in all this chaos, what will happen?

Where is my anchor? Where is my sanity? Where is my center and my calm? I can't find it right now- not in faith, not in spirit, not in thought, and not in others.

I need it back. Please let my knee heal quickly. I can't keep up like this.