Return to Krista's Korner

"Each of us must come to care about everyone else's children. We must recognize that the well being of our own children is intimately linked to the well being of all other people's children. After all, when one of our children needs life-saving surgery, someone else's child will perform it. When one of our children is harmed by violence, someone else's child will commit it. The good life for our own children can be secured only if it is also secured for all other people's children. But to work for the well being of all children is not just a practical matter-- it is also right!" - Lilian G. Katz, Phd.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Even Better... My final grades

At last. I was so scared about this semester. I guess it is always scary when you do a complete lifestyle change. All my grades are in, and I realized all the stress this semester was productive.
Now I am wondering if I can manage one more class next semester. These grades pull me off of financial aid probation. I think I will do one more semester at 3/4 time, especially since I just picked up a contract with FIC.

The contract will be interesting, although I don't know how much I am going to make right now. I will be doing quality control interviews of parents in the county mental health system. I will get paid per interview. I think I actually get paid through VO, who is the MH provider, so there are no conflicts with my BOD appointment for FIC. I can tell I was too long in the system. I am writing in acronyms again. I swear at one point I could write an entire sentence in acronyms while I was at Southwest and not even think twice. The scary part is when we had acronyms for acronyms. An example was RCPR, which stands for RBHA and CPS Placement Review. RBHA is Regional Behavioral Health Association (Currently VO) and CPS is Child Protective Services.

Christmas was good. It was quiet. We survived. I had the boys for Christmas Eve only this year. Konal had a few issues, but was otherwise good. They LOVED their new trampoline. As soon as I am finished with my morning caffeine, I have to go finish putting the net up. Steve called and asked if he can keep the boys an extra day, because family was coming in. So, now I have an extra day of peace and quiet. I am looking forward to this week though. It will be nice to spend some time with the boys. I will have support staff for Konal all week, because of the recent escalation of symptoms he has been having. I did not request it, they called me and offered it due to the number of crises we have had in the last month. It is a unique experience having staff in the home, but it is not too hard to get used to. It is nice to have the back up when Konal has an episode, and then I have the ability to see that Aidan is not neglected during that time.

I have gotten a lot done during the last week. All those household chores that seem to get behind. Laundry is caught up, my room got a Spring Cleaning, and I am scrubbing the kitchen from top to bottom today. Still need to put away all the Christmas decorations.

I am looking forward to New Year's. Jen & Brian have invited me to their annual Party. This is special, since it is their first as a married couple. I decided to go, although I will be missing the ClareVoyants New Years at O'Connors. I had a blast last year and then we went to Jen & Brian's. This year I am single, which is a new experience. At least with dating, I am finding out truly what I want and don't want in a prospective partner. Love is a wonderful thing, but it isn't everything. The hardest part is finding the difference between love, affection, and a desire not to cause pain. Otherwise known as breaking up is hard to do.

Right now, I do not have the ability to see my life being different. I really can't see beyond the next year. I have long range plans and dreams, but I can not see them as a reality. I am sure all the pain, tragedy and loss I have experienced was leading somewhere, but right now I am at the crossroads.

Looking down all those roads is exhilarating and terrifying. What if I choose the wrong one? What if I do the wrong thing? I have to conquer my fear and lead my life. I need to recognize the experience and wisdom I have acquired and compensate for my faults. I need to march boldly into the rest of my life.

Sounds good on paper.... My best friend always tells me that the late 20's/early 30's is a time of awakeing and self discovery. It is a time of asking who am I and why am I here?
I know I have grown. I can look back and see the mistakes I have made and say "I have learned from that". I guess the big question is where do I go from here?

I am 30 years old, I have two children, I live with my mother, and I am in college. Those things describe my circumstances, but they no longer define me. And that is growth- learning that there is more than the obvious to who you are. I am learning who I am.... now the big question is who will I become? I have the potential, but can I use it and truly overcome the obstacles that I have put in front of me and that I create myself?

Can I reach past the survival way of living and thinking and start to embrace the larger picture?

Yes I can. Ja kan ik. Oui je peux. Si se puede. Ja kann ich. Sì posso. (I need to stop playing with Babel Fish...)