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"Each of us must come to care about everyone else's children. We must recognize that the well being of our own children is intimately linked to the well being of all other people's children. After all, when one of our children needs life-saving surgery, someone else's child will perform it. When one of our children is harmed by violence, someone else's child will commit it. The good life for our own children can be secured only if it is also secured for all other people's children. But to work for the well being of all children is not just a practical matter-- it is also right!" - Lilian G. Katz, Phd.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Oi Vay

MEN! I think this is the single biggest reason I started this journal. The men in my life are driving me crazy.
The first is a very sweet, gentle young man who is almost exactly my age. I have been interested in him for a long time. I met up with him after not seeing him for years going to Karaoke with a couple I am very close with. He asked for my number, and since I have always liked him, even back when I worked with him in 1996, I had no qualms about giving it to him.
He never called.
In July, I had nothing to do on my birthday, and my friends asked if I wanted to go to this gentleman's birthday party with them. I accepted. We had a great time, danced, and the gentleman spoke with me and let me know that he had always had a crush on me. He let me know that he hadn't called because he was embarrassed that he didn't have a car right now. He drove me back to my car at the end of a wonderful night (almost magical) and we ended up making out in his rental car for quite a while. He is an excellent kisser. In fact, my loins still tighten when I think of his kisses.
We talked several times that week and had some long, get to know you type conversations. Nothing prepared me for what came next. He invited me out the next Saturday after my birthday. I was extremly excited, if only by the fact that it had been a while since I had been on a date. I went shopping, had my hair and nails done, and borrowed my aunt's convertible when my car broke down unexpectedly.
While I was getting ready, he called and left a voicemail that he needed to cancel the date. He sounded kind of off from usual, so I assumed that something had happened, and when I tried to call back I could get no answer. I left two messages over the next couple of days, and stopped when he never called back.
Eventually, among my friends, he became referred to as the "Date that Never Was..." Then, after 2 and a half months, I ran into him again at O'Connor's watching the ClareVoyants. Now, O'Connors is home to me and I have spent many a weekend watching the 'Voyants. I qualify as an official VoyantManiac--but more on that later.
We did have time to talk. He admitted he was going through a schmuk phase and had a lot of groveling to do. I let him know that other than a few smartass remarks, I just wanted to start over. He agreed and we chatted a bit off and on for the rest of the night.
It was one hell of a night at O'Connors. There was a lot of dancing, a lot of drinking and a lot of flirting. It was a friend's birthday and we were having FUN! I was a slutty, drunk, loud and boisterous woman that night and proud of it. Did everything from pinching asses to letting the birthday boy grope my boobs. A lot of good friends were there, so I spent my time flitting around from person to person. I did not hang over him (Anymore than I did any other guy friend there. We are a bit free and easy when the energy is high- and it was at a supersonic level on Saturday Night.)
After a while, I walked back up to the gentleman while another friend was trying to set him up with a girl. Jokingly, I cried dibs on him. Well, from there it got a little more serious. There was hugging, kissing and dancing together- and this was the snuggly kind..) Being slightly drunk, I went to breakfast with the group. (I had an offer to stay the night at a friends, but I was being coy- I wanted to spend more time with the gentleman.) We had a ton of fun. When he dropped me back at my car at 3:30 am, we had a quick chat. His final words to me were: I think I want to just stay single right now.
I was tired, needed to go home, and unable to process this, so I just said OK. On the way home, the more I thought of it, the more depressed I got about it.
One) Why in the hell am I letting him play with my emotions like this.
Two) Why is he getting so kissy with me, then backing away at full speed.
Three) What in the hell ever happened to getting to know a person and just dating.
Four) I don't want a fucking boyfriend! I just wanted a friend with potential....
*sigh* I like him. I don't think, however, I should give him another chance to stomp all over me again. I have gotten prior advice that he has "women issues" from mutual friends. I can't believe how conflicted I am over this and how much it is hurting me. I mean, it's not me, it is obviously his issues. So why can't I just let this go?
It is pretty much a given that we will meet up again. I also have his phone number. I am absolutely undecided how I should handle this. The strong and smart thing to do is to give him the absolute cold shoulder from now on. What I want to do is an entirely different thing.

Oh hell, maybe I just need to go out and get laid.

I need to go to bed. 3 PM comes quickly. I am so flipping tired of shift work. That will be another post....